I've been in love with you for..
Hello Jisung,
In my mind you will never receive this and read it but if it's the case it's gonna be the first time you will hear from me so I'm trying to carefully choose every words.
It's gonna may be a little bit long so if you want you can read this little by little. And I should tell you that I would love if you could just read this late at night when everybody's asleep. Take as much time as you need to read this.
So… I'm gonna start now.
My name is Zola and I'm a 98 liner, I'm two years older than you. Oh and I come from France !
I've been a fan of stray kids for a while now, I watched Hellevator being revealed and immediately thought that it was really good. For me it's the best " debut " song from any group ever. No one can top hellevator and district 9 as debut songs. I was amazed by the fact that you did everything by yourself and it turned out this great. You guys are a few of the most talented people I've ever seen. And that I had the chance to listen to.
I have so many things to say to all of you. Like saying how much you bring me on a daily basis, how incredibly thankful I am for the day you all were born.
I really hope that you all get along now and that everything is okay for you because you deserve it so so much. All of you.
But beside being your fan I'm firstly a person and that's how I'm talking to you today. Not as your fan but as a human being.
Don't think of me as someone who screams in front of her screen, who has her wall full of your pictures everywhere and who fangirl and screams hard because of you. I am just a regular girl who happens to really really enjoy your music and the feelings and emotions you pour into them. And who also happens to be amazed by your personality.
We have a lot in common and I see myself in you a lot since I got to know you. You have a very special place in my heart. So I feel really close to you somehow and you're someone I would really love to talk to. I think we would have great talks and a lot of fun… but anyway.
Reading your lyrics, seeing how sentimental and emotional you are, watching you being absolutely understanding and open minded made me want to write you even more everyday. When you talked about depression I knew that you were someone really really great. Not a lot of people would've said what you said. And it hit me hard for a lot of personal reasons that I would love to discuss with you but not right now... Because I think I'm bothering you enough with just this letter.
It's a really hard time for me right now for a lot of reasons and some are even worse than you could imagine. And even tho I have people to help me get through this time I'm feeling really alone and scared and you're the person who knows how to cheer me up even tho you don't know and care about me… but without you knowing it, you do a lot for me everyday. And I will never be thankful enough for all the things that you do. For me and for everyone.
I don't really know what I'm expecting from this letter but I guess the thing that would make me the happiest is to hear from you. To have the chance of talking with you, person to person. Not idol to fan. I don't know if you ever been a huge fan of someone before, if you know the scary and sad feeling to admire and love someone that much but knowing they will never talk to you, that you will never see them, that you will never be able to have them in your life. And that's just so sad because they make you feel happy, loved and understood like no one else can.
And that's how I feel about you. You are such an incredible person and I really hope you know that and that you love yourself enough because you have absolutely no reason to doubt it. And I know I don't know you and everything but I know me and that's enough to say that I accept everyone as it is and find beauty in everyone. And your beauty is not hard to find. I didn't have to look for it. It just hit me. The way you care for others, the amazing things you say, the way you always smile, your diligent and polite side, how funny you are and how amazingly talented you are. The way your voice makes me feel and how emotional you are.
I really look up to you in so many ways and everyday I tend to say to myself that I have to act in a way you would be proud of me. And it's not because I'm idolazing you and I think you don't have any flaws or everything. It's just that you're truly a person I admire and respect and, even if you will never see me, I would want you to be proud of the person I am.
You make me the happiest and the saddest at the same time. You give me so much hope and support in a way I never expected. I didn't expect to care for someone I don't know that much. And I didn't want that in some way…. Because I can't stop thinking about how great our talks would be, how much fun we would have together and how much love and support you would get from me. When you say that you feel lonely sometimes at night, that you cry alone in the dark or just seeing you cry, listening to you talking about depression, the feeling I have when I know that you're like this... The way I would want you to be happy and secure about the person you are and what you offer to the world. If you are secure about you I couldn't be happier because you deserve to be and you have so many reasons for it. And of course I would love to be even a small reason for your happiness, I know that it will never happen because first of all we will never talk or meet. And second of all let's face it I don't think that I'm worthy of your time and attention.
I would like to talk to you about the worst things that ever happened to me but also share with you my happiest moments. I would like to listen to you when you’re feeling bad and try my best to comfort you.
I’m in a time in my life where I just feel awful. I’m feeling useless, ugly, lost, alone, not loved, not special in anyway. And I hate feeling like that because usually I’m the most positive and optimistic person even if I’ve experienced hell and still do.
I see you as this bright, positive, full of energy, sensitive, caring, funny, loveable, masculin, amazingly talented, generous person. Like a full sunshine. Please never doubt of yourself. You're truly a beautiful soul. I could never have enough words to describe how perfect in your own way and great you are.
I know that there's absolutely no chance that you will read this and even more want to reply to this. But if may be, by great chance, you understand how I feel or if I managed to touch you with what I said it would be an honor to hear from you, or even just knowing that you read this. Because not knowing if the person you admire the most had read what you wrote to him, had read the words you spent hours to find is just so sad.
I wish all the happiness, joy, love, health, friendship and success of the world. I really want nothing else but your happiness. Please don't be too hard on yourself, eat well everyday, sleep well, don't pressure yourself and push it too hard. When you feel down sometimes, when you read bad comments or don't feel good about a performance, think you're not good enough or worthy enough or anything bad at all about you please just think about me. That I'm out there somewhere, not being able to see you, but thinking about you everyday, thinking about the wonderful person you are and that if I would ever hear you in real life say anything bad about yourself I would spend hours trying to make you feel better and prove to you point by point that you deserve everything good in this life because that's just what I do and that you deserve it more than anything. Because you really are, worthy of everything good.
I'm gonna stop writing now because it's been a long letter and you're probably tired of reading what I'm saying… I hope that you had a great day and that tomorrow will be great too and the day after and so on.. !
I admire and love you so so much Han Jisung, you will never be alone.
Zola, who will always be by your side now and always